


two ghosts (in the place of you and me)

by esthernn



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Ghosts, Lots of Fire Imagery, M/M, basically zuko hallucinates about ghosts for twenty minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26600083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esthernn/pseuds/esthernn
Summary: Firebenders, as a rule, are not particularly well suited to the cold....Zuko's in the freezer at Boiling Rock, and he's so, so cold.
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Lu Ten & Zuko, Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Ursa & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 250





	two ghosts (in the place of you and me)

Firebenders, as a rule, are not particularly well suited to the cold.

Zuko is painfully aware of this, cross legged and shivering in the center of the cooler. His bending’s gone and his thoughts are all out of order. He can’t think, can’t remember, but he can feel. He can feel the cold creeping up his limbs and digging its claws into him, sinking its icy nails into his flesh.

The fire nation had always been hot, so very hot. At all times of year it was sweltering and sharp like a blister. It was always burning, the heat dancing along Zuko’s skin. It penetrated everything, the heat falling low and heavy into everyone. Everything in the fire nation was born from fire.

Azula was made of fire. Even when she was young she catapulted through life like a fireball. But something that burns so hot must burn out fast.

Zuko had grown used to the heat. He’d burned just as hot as everything around him. But now it’s just so cold. It’s grown too cold to think of anything else.

And in the cold there are ghosts. They live in its stillness, the hidden reflections of ice.

Zuko’s mother had always been a ghost. She’d been phasing in and out of existence long before she disappeared for real. Even when she was real she was never fully there. Zuko loved her, but she was never something concrete enough for him to touch. When she slipped out of his reality it felt inevitable, like it was only a matter of time.

When he was young, she was a wisp in the sweltering air, floating in and out of rooms like a faded spirit.

She would say little as she floated through the palace, only bowing deeply and gracefully at every person she passed by. She was always looking over her shoulder, quick and flighty, like someone might whisk her away at any moment. At times her skin grew translucent, like they had already found her, and were pulling her away, just a little at a time.

As Zuko grew older, she said less and less, like someone had drained all the words from her.

Despite her silence, however, she would always tell Zuko and Azula she loved them, every night. Every single night.

Really, every single night but one.

The night she disappeared was hotter than usual. Zuko had shed the blankets from his bed, too hot to sleep. He fought his way through the heavy humidity, peeking out his door at the grand corridor to satiate his boredom and curiosity. Unlike every other night, it was absent of guards.

In the empty corridor was only Zuko’s father, with his back to him, and his mother, who was facing him. They were both washed in yellow light, lanterns soaking the entire palace in a burning yellow with a seasick sort of rhythm.

When his mother saw him awake, her eyes grew wide and the last of her color drained from her face. With Ozai facing her, she could only mouth at Zuko to _go away_ without drawing too much of his father’s attention.

Even then, Zuko knew something was wrong. He was feeling a building anxiety that for once, she wouldn’t be there in the morning.

Zuko wanted to run towards her, to beg her for one last hug, to steal any sort of goodbye from her cold, stiff fingers. Instead, he ran away. He didn’t sleep once the entire night, but the heat lay heavy on him like a blanket should.

His mother is in the cold with him now, standing over his still, seated body. She’s whispering, but she’s still so loud, begging Zuko to do something he doesn’t understand. 

“Run,” she’s whispering, “Do it.”

She’s drifting over to him, neither walking nor floating, and Zuko’s pushing himself away from her as fast as he can.

“Do what?” His mother doesn’t answer, a serene smile frozen on her face. She’s inching steadily close. “Do what? Do what, mother?”

She stays smiling, but her voice is icy. The room is so cold and so small. Zuko can’t leave until he’s rescued and his rescue hinges on countless factors out of his control. “Run,” she says, “Move.”

Zuko’s back is against the sharply freezing wall, his mother arching over him. “Where? Move where?” His voice breaks as he begs. His mother flickers in and out. Zuko can’t firebend and he can’t move. It’s so cold.

“Move,” she whispers, her phantom breath cold against Zuko’s face.

He doesn’t even try to respond this time, he just stares up at her, shivering and pleading.

“Save Azula,” his mother continues. Zuko feels his breath catch. _Azula._

“I can’t,” he whispers, his voice breaking. “I tried.”

Beside his mother is Lu Ten, a silent, unreadable look on his face. Zuko’s heart aches. 

Why is he here? Is he here only because Iroh wouldn’t be? Because Zuko failed Iroh and he will only send his son in his place? Or is he here because he’s dead, and Zuko can only reach the dead?

Lu Ten had been kind. This made him a sort of anomaly in the palace. Many were kind within its walls: Zuko, his mother, the occasional guard or advisor; but kindness was a risky currency to exchange, and Lu Ten was one of few to spend it openly.

When Zuko and Azula were little, Lu Ten would hold their hands and take them on walks, around the palace, the gardens, wherever. He’d enthusiastically ask them questions, about their days, their studies, their interests. The only time Zuko didn’t feel a burning resentment in his stomach when Azula spoke about her firebending training was when she spoke about it to Lu Ten.

Nobody else in the palace spoke to Zuko, not even his parents.

Lu Ten was the first person to teach Zuko how to use a sword. He took him out to the gardens, once, when he had not yet started bending, handed him a long stick, and said, “Follow my movements.”

Zuko did, carefully memorizing the footwork and positions of his wrist. Hours later, his whole body ached, but he had never felt so exhilarated. Despite his exhaustion, he enthusiastically talked to Lu Ten about what else he could learn the whole way back to the palace.

The only other person he knew to talk to was Azula, and as she grew older it became impossible to have a conversation with her without getting singed at the edges. Zuko learned to stay silent. He missed the little kid who used to play with him, but he hated the wildfire she grew up to be.

After Lu Ten died, Zuko feared he may never speak again.

He shivers.

“Save Azula,” his mother repeats, again and again. 

“I couldn’t. I tried to.”

“Save Azula.” 

Zuko feels his breath catch. His mother is paler as a ghost than she ever was as a human, almost completely transparent. He wonders whether if he looks away, she’d disappear entirely.

“I tried. I swear I tried.” His voice is breaking and his throat is tight. Years and years his life revolved around Azula, wreaking havoc impossible to reign in. And still, all these years later, he was chasing after her, desperately trying to hold her steady.

Lu Ten looks on mournfully.

“Try again,” his mother whispers. 

Zuko takes slow, painful breaths. He wants his mother to come back to him or finally leave for good, just for her to stop haunting him. Her eyes are sharp, but they’re disappearing into the cold. She takes no breaths. It pains Zuko to speak, the cold seeping into his throat.

“I can’t save Azula.”

Azula is too hot to touch and Zuko’s so cold. Azula was warm, once, but Ozai put fire into her veins and her skin has been boiling ever since.

As a child her fire hadn’t run hot, but steady. She was just as sharp and assertive, but it was balanced by a childlike aire of gentleness. She’d spiritedly attack Zuko with her toys and show off her bending during the day, but on quiet nights, she’d crawl into Zuko’s bed and lay curled next to him.

She’d often come in after a nightmare, desperately trying to look brave, but ultimately still a little kid. Her face was contorted into a false look of maturity, but tears would still linger in her eyes. Zuko never teased her on those nights.

Before he got his bending, smothered under his blankets, Azula would cup her hands over Zuko’s and cradle fire between their palms. She never let him burn. Sometimes she’d fall asleep like that, her hands limply lying in his, and her flame would quietly flicker to sleep alongside her. Years later, Azula would confess that she never dreamed in Zuko’s room.

As she grew older, Ozai cultivated her fire until it consumed her, replacing her with a replica made only of flame. Zuko doesn’t know whether she still has nightmares, or if she only dreams of fire.

Zuko’s too cold to move and too cold to think.

Ursa and Lu Ten stand side by side, neither saying a word. They’re dead silent, quietly watching Zuko as he takes slow, desperate gaps of the frigid air.

Firebenders don’t take well to the cold.

Zuko’s fire is completely gone. He doesn’t know how he’s alive if his fire’s dead. If his fire was his heart or his soul or whatever was sustaining Zuko, then what’s sustaining him now?

Will Zuko become a ghost, too, becoming the cold breath he’s releasing? Will his body go with him, or will Sokka return to find it frozen and dead? His mother took her body with her when she became a ghost. Lu Ten did not.

Zuko misses them. He misses his mother, who may not have been real, but was real enough to kiss him on the forehead when he was sick and hug him when he was tired.

He misses Azula. He misses when she was warm, and not hot. In the cold he misses her most of all. She’d keep him warm, not burn him alive. He misses what she once was, he misses the ghost of what his sister used to be. She’d loved him once, but her love burned up with the fire in her blood.

Zuko misses Sokka. He was cool like the falling rain or waves lapping at the shore. He was bright and very very real. He might even love him, but not in the way he loves his mother or Azula.

He loves Ursa like an idea, something that could be, but is not or is no longer. He loves Azula in that he’s afraid to touch her, like if he lays a hand on her he’d stop loving her forever. He loves Sokka in the way that he’s completely submerged in him, but never at a loss for air.

Zuko’s not cold anymore. He’s so cold that he can’t feel anything.

His mother and Lu Ten are gone. Everyone’s gone. Is Sokka coming, or is he gone, too?

Zuko’s sinking so far into the cold. Azula would have warmed him once. Now she would burn him. She’d leave him on fire forever, one more streetlight for the Fire Nation. Or would she put fire in his veins, too? Together they’d burn everything they touched. Zuko’s already burned Iroh, he’s already burned Mai. Is the fire already in his blood?

He hasn’t burned Sokka yet. Sokka’s coming to save him, and once he does, Zuko can be warm again.

He remembers a night, soft and quiet, the rain pouring down on him and Sokka. Zuko had led them on a weaving trail through the trees, fire in his hand like Azula had once placed it.

It was a cool night but the fire kept them warm, their shoulders pressed tightly together.

It had been proceeding by a night of games, despite the building stress. Toph had immediately taken a liking to him and even Katara joined in on the fun. For a few hours, they all got to act like the kids they were meant to be. Zuko had started to feel worthy, like the Avatar and his friends could really like him, after all.

In the darkness of the forest, the rain had begun to slow over his and Sokka’s heads. It had flown steadily beneath their feet, seeping into the earth. Water was everywhere that night, in the earth, in the plant life, in them.

As the last traces of rain slipped between their clasped hands, Sokka had pulled Zuko in for a kiss, slow and gentle. Zuko couldn’t believe it, but he wouldn’t let himself question it either, sinking deeper into Sokka as the water rose around them.

It had been something incredible, a whole new feeling of rain flowing all around him and Sokka by his side. And it was the first time he’d gotten to hold someone’s hand like that since Azula was little.

Sokka will come for him, he knows it. He will not think otherwise.

Firebenders are not built for the cold. 

Zuko sees the ghost of fire at the edges of his vision, as if he’d been staring at the sun for two long. Brilliant flashes of vibrant reds and pinks and oranges dance before his eyes, and they’re beautiful, but they make his head ache. 

Zuko has been in the cold forever. It might’ve only been a few minutes, or maybe hours, but it feels like forever. He can’t feel it anymore, but he knows that it’s still gnawing on his flesh, tearing him apart from the inside out. It eats at him for an impossibly long time, until he hears a creak of the heavy metal door. 

The doorway is bright, shocking to Zuko's eyes after so long in the dark cold. But in the doorway is Sokka, silhouetted amongst the light. His smile is bright and his eyes are happy and Zuko can’t help but feel like he’s staring into the sun. 

Sokka steps through the doorway and reaches out.

Zuko takes his hand. 

Sokka pulls him through the doorway and he is warm. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I had so much fun writing this! Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> The scene with Sokka in the rain is covered more in depth in my fic "a quiet place to be" if anyone wants to check that out!
> 
> I also want to note that I changed my name on this site (previously g3mstone) and I've now made a tumblr just for my fics! My url is esthernn (same as here) and I plan to post small updates of what I'm writing there! I might also post other atla content, or just in general for whatever fandom I'm writing for. I'd absolutely love it if anyone would go to find me there, I'd love to see what you guys want to read!
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


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